Friday, October 22, 2010

Hello Friends

Hello Friends,

I am one of the women who Akuas Keiki has graciously offered to allowed to contribute based on my own journey as a Spiritual Widow. Due to the recent circumstances in her home, she has asked each of us who are contributing to only sign each post under TSW- and our first initial so as to not be identifying to any one individual.

Please know that this was not an easy decision for her as it was truly healing for her but she must do what is best for her family at this time. She is hurting greatly and needs our love and prayers, and God's grace and compassion.

I will do my best to be as open as she has been but it may not always be easy. God has given her such a compassionate and loving heart towards the hurting and lonely. She wants to be obedient to God in all areas of her life.

I am sure some of the ladies will also make their own posts, but for now I just wanted to say hello and ask you to please be praying for Akuas Keiki.

TSW-M

Leave of Absence for a time

My Beloved,

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am finding that I will have to take leave of the blog post to deal with issues that have arisen in my home.

I will miss you all greatly however, I know that I am leaving you in the very capable hands of other contributors to our time together. I pray that you will understand and pray for me as I go through this time. Etcetera will continue to make their posts and then various other authorized posters will be posting under The Spiritual Widow.

This is not just about my journey, but also about the journey of other women who have dealt with and are currently dealing with similar situations.

I earnestly pray that God will give me guidance and direction as to how continue on this journey with you as I pray it has been as healing for you as it has been for me so far. I may not know you personally, but I am here and praying for you and loving on you.

I will be checking in from time to time to see how things are going or how people may be posting in response. If you need to get in touch with me for any reason, please be sure to fill out the form on the main blog page and I am one of the ladies who has access will get in touch with me to let me know.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love in Christ always,
Akuas Keiki

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Stages of Grief and Righteous Anger

My Beloved,


As I have prayed for ways to discuss our grief and the righteousness of our anger about our situations, I decided to do some research. Many within the body of Christ  may not want to accept or recognize it, but for many Spiritual Widows, it is truly like a death. Our Spouse becomes spiritually dead and not someone we can recognize.Most of what I found pertained to physical death, but they can apply in our situation as well.


*Denial: "This can't be happening to me."
 *Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
 *Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
 *Depression: "I'm too sad to do anything."
 *Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what happened."


If you are experiencing any of these emotions following your "loss" ( be it from the change in your relationship, or the removal of your spouse by their choosing"), it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you'll heal in time. However, not everyone who is grieving goes through all of these stages - and that's okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won't experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don't worry about what you "should" be feeling or which stage you're supposed to be in.




Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights' no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.



GRIEF and OUR RIGHTS:
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.


2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.


3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey.
Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.


4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.


5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts".Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.


6. You have the right to make use of routine. The getting back to routine does more than acknowledge the "Spiritual death" of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring
people. More importantly, the "normal routine" is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the "returning to normal" or other healing habits you may take up such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.


7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical
of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.


8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking "Why did he or she choose to do this? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like
"It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.


9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the Spiritual death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.


10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with
yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the Spiritual death of someone loved changes life forever as long as they are lost in the wilderness.




RIGHTEOUS ANGER:
 I grew up believing anger was a "bad" emotion. So I've needed several years of Christian counseling even to admit I get angry, much less to learn I can express those feelings righteously! Thankfully, God's Word sets clear parameters for getting peeved.
What does God say about this? The bad news for hotheads is that Scripture contains many more verses warning believers against blowing their cool than verses advocating such behavior. The writer of Proverbs connects anger with foolishness: "Fools quickly show that they are upset, but the wise ignore insults" (Proverbs 12:16, NCV). And the apostle Paul recommends letting our heavenly Father fight our battles: "My friends, do not try to punish others when they wrong you, but wait for God to punish them with his anger. It is written: 'I will punish those who do wrong; I will repay them,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:19, NCV).
Sometimes, however, God allows his people to fuss and remain faithful. Such is the case when King David furrows his brow and huffs:
God, I wish you would kill the wicked!
Get away from me, you murderers!
They say evil things about you.
Your enemies use your name thoughtlessly.
Lord, I hate those who hate you;
I hate those who rise up against you.
I feel only hate for them;
they are my enemies (Psalm 139:19–22, NCV).
Or when Nehemiah gets upset after learning about the wealthy Israelites' exploitation of the poor: "Then I was very angry when I had heard … these words" (Nehemiah 5:6, NASB).
What's noteworthy in these situations is that David called down curses on sworn enemies of God, and Nehemiah directed his irritation at the "haves" repressing the "have-nots." Both men were angry because of ungodly people or activities.
And Jesus expressed anger—at the Pharisees who exhibited such hard hearts (Mark 3:1-5) and at the crass commercialism that sullied the temple (Matthew 21:12-13Luke 19:45-48)—to convey extreme displeasure over sin. Those reasons are the key to righteous anger.
How does this affect me? As Christ-followers, we're totally appropriate getting upset over sin, too. Evils such as abuse, racism, pornography, and child sex trafficking should incense us.
But no matter how reprehensible the people or activities we're condemning, we still aren't justified to sin in our responses: "When you are angry, do not sin, and be sure to stop being angry before the end of the day" (Ephesians 4:26, NCV). Those of us with confrontational personalities might want to ask ourselves the question, Is my motive to be right or to be righteous? before ripping into the offending parties.
Such considerations also help us be pokey in getting peeved: "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:19–20, ESV). Instead of replying immediately, simply counting to ten before reacting usually leads to much better results in a contentious situation.
Then after we take offense, we should take redemptive action. Christians must get involved with organizations working to free children from slavery and volunteer at shelters working to protect battered women. We must lead the charge against hatred and oppression and cruelty!
Ultimately, if our outrage results in restoring people into loving, healing relationships with Jesus, it's righteous anger.


You have my prayers. 


Love and Christ always,
Akuas Keiki

No Mended Heart

There is such a big part of me that wants to hate you so much. Yet, there is a bigger part of me that cares about you too much. What is this feeling? I can't stand it, nothing makes sense any more. I want you to hold me and hold me close. I try to get your attention but you never seem to notice. I felt as if I needed your affections, to hear you say soothing words that things would be okay whispered in my ear.

So many times I wanted to shout to you and say, "Please stay with me! Don't leave my side: I can't stand to be without you! I need you by my side.....Please"

Then there is that part of me that cries, "Go, leave me. I can't stand you!" It's not you personally, but what you do! You drive me to the point of insanity! Why? Why do I care so much for you?! yet I just smile at you, and cry to myself late in the night.

Maybe it's your smile that draws me in, the smile that I could once trust. Perhaps it's the arms that I once thought could bring safety that I long to be held in again. Perhaps it's your charming personality that you display in front of most people?

No.

No, I know what it is. It's just you- because your personality is ever changing. I can't tell if I care about you or not. This is why it hurts. This is why my heart can never be mended.


Etcetera

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The release

My Beloved,


I am so truly blessed. I have a home, clothes on my back, food in my belly and am surrounded with a church family that loves me and supports me. They may not always "get me", but they love me nonetheless.


I went to my Chicken Soup study last week and it was not an easy lesson. Then again, when you are working through life issues that help you to understand why you have made some of the choices that were not in your best interest, you truly start to gain understanding. 


I am the midst of reading so much material that God has brought before me. You can see some of them listed on the main page of the blog (Good Reads). God is really pressing in on me to deal with my "stuff". I feel like he has me in a wine press, and just when I think I can't let go of any more tears, he has me work on another area of my life, to discover another layer of junk to be removed and then he "presses" in again so I can let go of that pain.


I just posted probably one of the most difficult and taxing things I have written in my life. It was almost as emotionally draining yet rewarding as "my story"  that my Pastor had asked me for a sermon series he was doing at my home church. I also shared a post on the  Living Proof Live that shared this current journey I am sharing with each of you. (when I last checked it was comment #7 from the top of page 3). 


It has been a huge release in my spirit the more I "Let Go" of my husband and Let God work things out. He is providing for my physical, mental and emotional needs.  GOD is amazing and I am so blessed to be his child.


Do not be afraid to LET GO and LET GOD. He can do amazing things. Just trust him.


You are in my thoughts and prayers.


Love in Christ always,
Akuas Keiki

Betrayal of the heart and my message to the Serpent



My Beloved,

I received some shocking news the other day. Actually, it was not truly that shocking, but merely confirmed what I already knew to be true in my heart. It has just hurt my heart on levels I am not sure the words will convey.
I was recently informed that my spouse who has lost his way thinks of me only as "caregiver" to "his" children and that he only married me to gain sole custody from his former spouse who had left the marriage after years of abuse and left the children behind when she went.
Some tell me it is only him being mean and spiteful. Satan wants to use those words to cause me to up and leave so the children will be left to chance. Some tell me it's because I am reflecting Christ's love and light so much that all his dark and ugly stuff cannot hide so he is casting negativity back on me.
I know that it is both. However, I also know this is not the first time these words have come out of his mouth, or the mouth of others who have known him for a long time. 
What does this mean?

Here is my letter to The Deceiver, and I will let you gather from it what you will:
(for those faint of heart or fragile in spirit- you may not want to read this as there is nothing but COMPLETE truth and honesty about the journey I have had so far to include things some may not be able to handle)
Dear Serpent, Father of Lies, Great Destroyer, Mighty Deceiver 

I am sure you are just tickled pink with the names I just presented before you to address you. However, let me rephrase that introductory before I get to the meat of this letter to you.
Dear Satan, Liar, Weakened servant of GOD, futile seeker of my heart, Enemy of my Beloved Father, 

Not so pleased now??? GOOD!! Neither am I. You see, Satan, you had me for 33 years of my life. You don't get to have victory over any part of it any more. I BELONG TO GOD!!! My children BELONG TO GOD.  MY LIFE BELONGS TO GOD. I can no longer be bought. 
You had me seduced by your lies for so very long. You had me entrapped in bitterness, anger, strife, depression, and guilt. Those things no longer plague me. I am SET FREE by the blood of my beloved Savior JESUS CHRIST.
Shall we take a walk down memory lane?
Your first attempt to gain my soul was that you gained victory in my earthly mother's bitterness towards my father after they divorced.
 You tried to use her to destroy my childhood by lying about my father and keeping him from me for ten years. Guess what- that didn't work out so well, did it? I have reunited and we continue to build upon our relationship. I also gained the relationship with an amazing woman of GOD in my life who I know loves me and prays for me- My Aunt P. This is a treasure you can never take away.
When I decided to not listen to her lies, she kicked me out at an early age, but you didn't realize I had an amazing Girl Scout Leader who was also a woman of GOD Although at the time, I didn't realize what I had before me. I certainly appreciate it now. She took me in when I had nowhere else to go. I graduated and got the heck out of dodge.
This did not take place of course, until your other tactics to try to gain my soul took place. You tried to use the mean and cruel words my earthly mother would say to me on a regular basis. The physical, mental, emotional, verbal and Spiritual child abuse I endured at her hands and of her spouse. When you saw that wasn't working, you got her to basically imply that the 4 years of childhood molestation was my fault. This caused me to be sexually promiscuous at the age of 14. I was sneaking out and having dangerous sex with men as much as 7 years older than me. It was fun and exciting and I felt at that time, I was putting a big brazen SCARLET letter on not only me, but my mother to pay her back for her not protecting me. She called me a whore and a harlot after my molestation, so I was sure to live up to that reputation.
Luckily, once again, a woman of GOD came to my rescue. She put a stop to my exposure to the pedophile. Granted, for a really long time, the words that my earthly mother spoke stuck in my spirit. It led to decisions later in my life.
GOD loves me. Do you know how I know? Simple- it could have been only GOD who was protecting me when those cruel words from my earthly mother affected me when I finally got to live with my father in Europe.
I took those words and made choices I am now not proud of, but I use that now to my Father’s glory to help young girls make good choices regarding their chastity and their worth. I am not proud that I slept with more men than I can count. Only GOD could have protected me in the situations I put myself in. GOD protected me in my first rape and allowed me to escape. You probably thought that he would have let me die since I wasn’t following him at that point. I blamed him for my rape, not recognizing that it was my choices that allowed that to transpire. I didn’t acknowledge that HE saved me from death. Yet I still chose to serve you and listen to your lies. I then decided men would be my “victims” to repay them for what ONE man did.
I came back after finding out the truth and cut out the poisonous weed that was and is my earthly mother from my Garden of Life. I was learning to be free and whole from her lies but I still didn’t truly know GOD nor have a relationship with him at that point. I was still lost and didn’t know him. You weren’t counting on HIS unconditional love for me would show through once again, were you?
I connected with the one man who would always have my heart through a mutual friend. He is a gentle and compassionate man who had a troubled past of his own, but we connected on the understanding of having horrible childhoods. He was in the military and on leave visiting my friend. It was love at first sight but neither one of us wanted to admit it. I still remember the first time I allowed him to kiss me. I finally felt safe at the touch of a man and he didn’t hurt me.
He was and will always be my best friend on earth. Although we were both young, naïve and foolish to think our relationship would last without counseling simply because we willed it to, it did not change the depth of our love and concern for each other. We promised that if it got to resemble anything close to what we saw in our parents, we would end the marital aspect of our relationship so as to save the friendship and keep any kids we had out of a nasty custody battle. We did what we thought we should yet while we were separated physically, our hearts were still connected to one another, and we didn’t count on your striking again.
My second rape was meant to destroy me but GOD, once again brought about a blessing. I now have a beautiful 13 year old daughter who I would not trade for anything in the world. Since date rape drug was used and I was uncertain of events that took place, I hadn’t said anything to my husband at the time as I felt I shouldn’t say anything about something I wasn’t sure happened. We worked through things and had the first divorce set aside while he was deployed to Bosnia. This must have made you very angry. We also got pregnant within 4 mos of him returning from that deployment with our son. This was also GOD’s hand. He was given the name of Joshua. Pretty amazing don’t you think? I know it must have frustrated you that we gave our son a biblical name. He has certainly lived up to it, for he has been a strong and courageous young man in his life already. He has been his sister’s protector but we will get to that later.
Military life being what it was, as much as we wanted things to work out between us and to end the cycle of divorce in our life, as well as not passing down that legacy to our children, We kept our promise.
Now of course, hindsight being twenty-twenty, we should have never allowed my mortal enemy on earth to care for our children one single day, but as things have transpired in both of our new marriages, it is GOD’s way of protecting them from further harm.  We have both recognized and admitted the truth within ourselves to each other that we both still care for one another greatly and our love for one another still exists. Due to circumstances as they are, we must protect ALL the children in this situation at all costs. There are those in our lives who we should be able to trust, but cannot due to lies, deceit and betrayal.
Satan, you thought you would gain victory in this, but it has only brought me closer to GOD. Yes, there are times when I am emotionally weak, and I may not remember scriptures due to memory loss from my car accidents, but that’s ok with me. This means I am like a child in that way and I get to discover GOD all over again, oftentimes like it’s the first time. My thirst and hunger for him continues to grow.
Fast forward to the current situation in my home, I know now that GOD brought me here in this marriage, at this time for the protection of ALL my children- the ones I gave birth to as well as the ones that have grown in my heart. Yes, there is emotional (mental and verbal, and financial abuse.) Yes, there is Spiritual Abuse.
For clarification, for those who may be reading this while I am addressing you, my enemy, Satan, as you are GOD’s enemy, I want to make sure those reading this are very clear on these definitions. They are provided at the bottom of the post.
Now Satan, you will not gain victory over me or the children in my daily care. Nor will you gain victory over my other children. I will continue to pray for them daily. I will continue to ask GOD to protect them while they are in the situations they are in.
I know that the recent changes taking place within my household for one of the children in my home is also another way that GOD is protecting that child. YOU WILL NOT GAIN VICTORY HERE!!!
I think it almost comical Satan, that the one tool you used to keep me in bondage to you, is the one thing GOD is using to keep me safe and my loved ones protected. You certainly didn’t count on that, did you?
You loved all those years when I was so adamant on rebelling that you used my stubborn nature and my pride keep me from GOD. Guess what?
My stubborn nature and my PRIDE in being GOD’s CHILD is what draws me nearer to him each and every day. You may do all you will to continue to keep my spouse in habitual sin and from being the Spiritual Leader in our home, but you WILL NOT gain victory over me or my girls. You WILL NOT get me to leave or forsake them the way their earthly parents have done.
I would have thought that you would have known that already. I didn’t believe my earthly mother’s lies about my dad. I rebelled against her lies and was abused for it. I was slapped, kicked, punched and medication withheld but I still held to the truth I knew in my heart.
I recognize that he has a sex addiction which includes the addiction to pornography. I also recognize that anyone who says they want to be rid of an addiction, they have to WANT to be FREE from it, not just say they want to stop doing it. He is not to that point.
I am, however, stubborn and strong willed and so angry at you, that I will do whatever is necessary to prevent my girls from any further disappointment. I will be here until they are on their own. I will be here until it is clear I can remove myself from this cycle of emotional and spiritual abuse and that they can protect themselves. This may place a bigger target on my back as you try to wear me down. I have news for you, GOD is my champion. JESUS CHRIST is my best friend. GOD continues to bring people in my life to uplift and encourage me, pray with me and for me and give me hope. He is my Jehovah-Jirah, my ultimate provider. He fulfills every need. I finally have “my pastor” who I know I can talk to about anything and be completely real and completely me, knowing he loves me for who GOD is helping me to become.
I am certain I have stirred up your anger and wrath, and I, with complete faith and trust in knowing who GOD is, say “Game on”. I am no longer weak but a warrior. I am no longer full of fear but courage. I do not have to hide in shame any longer, for I have been forgiven of my past and made new. NOTHING will hold me back any more from doing as GOD has called me to do. Satan, get UNDER MY FEET!!! By the blood of JESUS CHRIST, I am SAVED!!!
To those who have been brave enough to read this all the way through, I say congratulations to you and I thank you.
You are in my prayers and thoughts.
Love in Christ always,

Akuas Keiki

DEFINITIONS:

Emotional Abuse: Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. 

Financial Abuse: Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter); Stealing from you or taking your money.

Spiritual Abuse:   It is the result of a Spiritual Leader or system that tries to control, manipulate, or dominate a person. This control is often in the form of fear (source: http://www.spiritualabuse.org/introduction.html )

TACTICS of ABUSERS:

§  Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
§  Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
§  Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
§  Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
§  Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
§  Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Monday, October 11, 2010

YOU ARE WORTHY

"The word of God is living and active-sharper than any double edged sword, It  penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow, It judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

My beloved,


You are worthy. Did you know that? Nobody is useless to God. He loves each of us.He uses each of us in different ways to reach others.


God doesn't care about worldly titles, earthly riches, the number of homes, the types of cars, or the brand names of our clothes- He cares about the nature of our heart.


You may not feel apart of God's kingdom or someone he can use. Trust me, he can and will use you to his glory. You are a part of his eternal dream. God's purpose is greater than each of us. As his child, nothing is going to slow down God's purpose in your life.


Your inner beauty, character and passion can and will be used to serve him to reach the needs of his children.


Just as I never thought God could use be because of my past and present life circumstances- he is doing that every day right now. He uses me to reach childhood abuse victims to share with them how to go from trauma to TRIUMPH in God's grace. He helps me to reach domestic violence victims to take them from victim to VICTORY with God's amazing healing.
He uses me to reach divorcing parents,hurting children, targeted family members and survivors of Parental Alienation. He has me teaching them how to be "separate but not broken" so they may embrace the Spirit of Ohana (family) so that Nobody Gets Left Behind. He has me reaching out to those with pasts of sexual promiscuity. I was once the woman at the well, with society throwing it's stones at me. He drew that line and saved me.


Each of the above situations all make up parts of "my story". I have turned my life to him. He has forgiven me of choices I've made which led to some situations in my life, and helped me heal of others that were beyond my control. His love, mercy and grace have given me strength to acknowledge the pain of the past, embrace the pain of the present to learn, bloom and grow.


Your pasts are part of who you were, your choices today decide how you live today and your story determines how GOD will use you to help others. *Embrace who you are in Christ and ask him  to guide you in how he wants  to use YOUR story to reach others. You will be blessed beyond measure.


Remember, YOU ARE WORTHY and YOU ARE LOVED.


You are in my prayers.


Love in Christ Always,
Akuas Keiki


*Special thanks to "Pastor E" for the series on EMBRACING your life: your story, your community, your family, your life.

My commitment to you

My beloved,


I pondered today how I should address you in each post. You see, I've come to a point in my life where I realize that I don't receive anything in life except through HIM. You re not my beloved children but HIS. He has however, placed you in MY heart very deeply. I pray each post conveys the level of commitment GOD has given to me for you that you may find hope. The love I have for YOU comes to me from HIM that he may use me in a way which enriches your life, and YOU are therefore MY BELOVED.


I pray that I can be real with you. I'm not a bible teacher, theologian, or any greatly known person within Christian or Secular society. I am a woman seeking GOD's heart and hoping to share it with you.


I pray for each of you who read my postings that it may minister to you in some way. I pray for those who email me and thank me for putting what they feel in words they cannot find. I pray for those I who I know are following my blog that you may share with others dealing with similar situations.


Know that you are cherished. Remember that GOD loves you. It does not matter if you are battered, broken, spiritually starving, or maybe just going through a rough patch. God's love is relentless, non-negotiable, non-returnable and unending.


My beloved, come to him. He is holding out his arms just waiting for you.


You are in my prayers always.


Love in Christ always,
Akuas Keiki

Friday, October 8, 2010

I am a survivor with God's grace

Oh my dear beloved darlings,

You know, I made the last post, got it out of my system and felt I needed to find a song (several actually) that truly depicted how I am feeling after having spent just a few minutes with my loving Heavenly Father. He is truly sufficient for me in that I know he will provide all I need in the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years to come. 

There has always been two songs in my life that have stood strong in my mind

AMAZING GRACE  GOD's grace is sufficient and AMAZING; he has found me and I can now see how much he loves me

I'M A SURVIVOR : with GOD's grace, I will survive this and anything else that comes my way

and more recently

BREAKAWAY  I want and know I need to breakaway when God allows as much as the children in my home need a break away from the chaos in their home life


BECAUSE OF YOU this one depicts how I feel about my relationship with my mother as a spiritual orphan due to her neglect, rejection, mental,emotional, verbal, physical,and Spiritual Abuse. It is cleansing to finally get the acknowledgement out of my system.




WHAT I CANNOT CHANGE : This song is amazingly cleansing for me and I hope those who it speaks to will do what you can to change what you need to make your life better. 




For those of you who do not know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, and would like to accept him into your life and in your heart, you can do so privately now, between you and God. 






    “Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.”



If you decided to repent of your sins and receive Christ today, welcome to God's family. Now, as a way to grow closer to Him, the Bible tells us to follow up on our commitment.




  • Get baptized as commanded by Christ.
  • Tell someone else about your new faith in Christ.
  • Spend time with God each day. It does not have to be a long period of time. Just develop the daily habit of praying to Him and reading His Word. Ask God to increase your faith and your understanding of the Bible.
  • Seek fellowship with other followers of Jesus. Develop a group of believing friends to answer your questions and support you.
  • Find a local church where you can worship God.

I would love to follow up with you and would like to pray with you. You can send me an email here Write Me





For those who have been in Christ's family already but would like prayer, then you may also use the link above to send me an email at the above link


You are in my prayers. 


Love in Christ always,
Akuas Keiki







When the tears won't stop

My beloved,

I must be forthright with you and we must have total and complete honesty with one another.  I am plagued with guilt over the fact that I may have represented that I have found peace and joy during my  trials in this season in my life. While God has given me HIS grace, which IS sufficient, the human nature of who I am, in the flesh is tired. I am tired of this season, I am tired of the emotional heartache and devastation and I am tired of looking my beautiful children in the eye and knowing I can't tell them everything that is truly on my heart and mind or it would crush them completely.

I have been told lately, especially in certain aspects of my journey, that I am an "Esther" for the two young adults who are being raised in my home without a Spiritual Leader. I have been told: "You are here for such a time as this". While I do recognize it and acknowledge it, I don't necessarily like it. I would give my life for them, even if it meant not seeing the rest of my beloved children ever again. I don't like that the lack of a Spiritual Leader, the habitual sin, and the loss of a relationship with Christ are the reasons my other children are not with me.

I cried the other day as I came to fully acknowledge and accept the fact that the person I thought I married is not who he represented he was at all. I fully acknowledged  that I am having the same problems with him that he has had in previous relationships, that he portrayed the fault were with those women.

I have fallen in love with "his" children and will do all I can for them while God has me in their lives and still try to maintain relationship with my own children who I miss so very much.I cried so much that I ran out of tears and wanted to cry but couldn't as I was completely drained of the physical ability to produce tears.

My soul is still crying. I married someone I thought was a Godly man. I married someone that I thought would give me the opportunity to finally have an amazing walk with God as an individual and with a spouse who I thought also desired the same thing. I am now realizing I am completely and undeniably unequally yoked. The man who walks through the door every day when he arrives home from work is not who I thought I married.

I have been yelled at, cussed at, cussed out, downgraded,  humiliated, and embarrassed in front of my children and the children I have come to love as my own. I have been insulted, rejected, cheated on, sexually harassed within the marriage. I have been treated like less than a lovable child of God and a cherished wife, but more like a possession or slave to be treated  however one sees fit.I have been mentally, emotionally, verbally and Spiritually abused.

I have been told that I am not fulfilling my roles within the marriage as God dictates, which then justifies the habitual sin issue in his eyes. I have medical reasons as to why I cannot physically perform certain aspects of married life and am constantly berated for it and attempts to make me feel guilty are done on a daily basis.

Any of you who are dealing with habitual sin issues within the home know how heartbreaking and exhausting it can be. When the person who is supposed to lift you up, encourage you, support you, and Love you as Christ loved the Church, treats you no better than they would a stranger on the street, it hurts to the core of who you thought you were as this person's spouse.

It is often similar I would imagine to those who have been abandoned by their parents: to be rejected, refused, ignored, neglected, emotionally malnourished, and Spiritually starved. I know how heartbroken the children in my home often get when they feel ignored, rejected, ridiculed,  yelled at, refused, humiliated and cursed at by the person who promised them they would always be there to protect them, yet that individual has caused them more harm than the person who physically abandoned them years ago.

It is days like this in which I could just leave all of it behind 9technology-phone, computer, television), take these precious blessings God has given me to protect with me, and go to an isolated cabin in the mountains for a bit of respite.To go someplace where we could just spend time with God and not be interrupted by the busy-ness of life. Away from all the noise and chaos and just crawl into our Heavenly Father's lap. What peace that thought brings.My soul is thirsty and in need of rejuvenation but it will not come anytime soon.

I am asking you, my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ, to please pray for me today. I am just totally spent on the exhaustion of this journey and not seeing any end in sight. Please know that I pray for each of you daily, that when you get to a point like this, that you may know that God loves you and he  is here for you and HIS grace is sufficient to get us through any storm we may be facing, we just have to trust him.

Love in Christ always,
Akuas Keiki

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Amazing grace!!!

Brothers & Sisters in Christ,

I'm here to talk about the feelings I have in my family and have had throughout my life. I have been physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abandoned. This is quite a bit in one child's life, isn't it? You see, I am a spiritual orphan. My mother left me when I was only ten years of age and now, it feels that I have been spiritually abandoned by my father. He is here physically, but he is making choices which make him not available spiritually. Now I have a wonderful mom who so boldly took the role of a mother figure in mine and my sister's lives.

I know there are so many boys/girls my age, who are nearing adulthood who feel it is best to keep their emotions hidden away from the world. To be very honest with you, I do as well. I feel its' best not to show emotion when things are getting rough, especially when it comes to sadness, because with sadness comes tears.

Before tonight, I felt that no way in heck would I ever show my deepest sorrow or emotions to anybody in my church, much less the youth pastor's wife. But I tell you what my brothers, sisters: GOD works wonders in many ways. Never doubt God works wonders and powers, because he will work miracles in your life.

Tonight, like any other teenager with younger siblings, I got "ratted out". I was texting on my phone during school hours which goes against my families rules. When my sibling tried to tell me that my mom would find out, I irrationally told my sibling, "I can just erase my message." Of course, whatdoes my adorable sibling tell my mom?

So while at my youth group, my mom texted me and told me she was disappointed in me and that she wanted my phone when I got home. and she explained why she was taking my phone. At that moment, I had such foul thoughts going through my mind about that younger sibling of mine. I had thoughts no older sibling should never have about a younger one, but I did. A few minutes later, my youth leaders wife came up to me and asked why I was not playing the youth game. I told her I wasn't feeling well (which was true at the time), and for some reason I was urged to ask her a question. From that point on we started talking about things in my life that were happening, how I felt so worthless and such a burden to my family. She told me that I was not a burden, nor was I worthless. She told me that possibly the Heavenly Father was putting these things in my life in order to reach out to peers that are going through the same thing in their lives as I am in mine, and I cried. All the tears I had held in for so long, came pouring out of my eyes. We talked for an hour straight, my youth pastors wife and I. During that time, all the tears came flowing out.

I know now that God has not left me at all. I know that he would never leave me, nor would he leave anybody. Through the strangest of ways, God can perform miracles in our lives; all we have to do is allow him to work in us.

Your sister in Christ,

Etcetera

(P.S. May God bless all your lives, and may you allow him to work wonders in them)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Parental Alienation creates Spiritual Orphans

As with my previous post, I am going to share how this devastating and cruel form of child abuse can create Spiritual Orphans.


Let us look at the Ten Commandments, which are God's basic rules of moral living according to his standards for us. We will then look at how Parental Alienation is Spiritual child abuse because of the AP (Alienating Parent) is teaching the child to clearly go against God's word, thereby making them a Spiritual Orphan.


The 10 Commandments - God's Revelation in the Old Testament
The 10 Commandments are found in the Bible's Old Testament at Exodus, Chapter 20. They were given directly by God to the people of Israel at Mount Sinai after He had delivered them from slavery in Egypt: 

"And God spoke all these words, saying: 'I am the LORD your God 

ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.' 

TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.' 

THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.' 

FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.' 

FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.' 

SIX: 'You shall not murder.' 

SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.' 

EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.' 

NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.' 

TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'



When Parental Alienation exists in a child's life- it creates confusion and self loathing. This is not of God. The child who is taught to hate the other parent, is essentially taught to hate part of themselves.

They are also taught to lie to get out of doing things they think they do not want to do. (violation of the 9th Commandment)

When a parent elevates their own wants and desires, this shows lack of care or concern for the child.

When a parent makes themselves an idol before the child, they are directly telling the child to worship them above God. This is clearly a violation of the 1st and 2nd Commandments

When a child is taught to hate the other parent in their lives by the AP, this clearly violates the 5th Commandment. 

When a child is taught to steal from the other parent to give to the AP, this is a violation of the 8th Commandment.

When an AP does all they can to bring division and destruction to the relationship between the Target Parent (TP), they are essentially murdering that relationship. In my opinion, this is a violation of the 6th Commandment. 

When an AP begins to think selfishly, and covets any and all time the child may have with the TP, they are violating the 10th commandment.

So let us summarize: Parental Alienation involves violation of the 1st, 2nd, 5th, 6th, 8th, 9th and 10th Commandments. This is over half of the Commandments given by God for living according to HIS Word. 

Parental Alienation can also be considered Spiritual Child abuse by virtue of the fact that most AP's do not go to church, nor do they bring the children up in Christian homes. The children are not taught about God's unconditional love for them. The children are taught to fear the wrath of the AP instead of GOD. The child is taught to place the AP above all other relationships in their life. 

This can be and is emotionally devastating to a child. 

With such importance on the relationship between the AP and the child, it does not help the child to learn proper coping mechanisms as they always turn to the AP to find out how they should feel about a situation. This also creates co-dependency which will affect the child later on in life.

As a survivor of Parental Alienation from my childhood, having reunited with my father at age 19, it has pained me greatly to the hurt and emotional torture my dad has gone through over the years. To this day, my brother is still so brainwashed, that he is now helping my biological mother keep my children from me. 

My father has finally decided he can no longer wait to have a relationship with my brother and has officially disowned him. My dad got to a point in his life where it hurt him too much to have a dead relationship with a Living Son.
Although it breaks my heart, I do understand my father's pain as I now live it. I will, however never allow myself to get to that point. I will continue to fight daily for my right to be a part of my children's lives.

When children are taught hate, self loathing and disobedience of God and his word, this creates a void of the relationship between that child and God. This also clearly demonstrates that a child is not being brought up in accordance with Ephesians 6:1-4

 1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."[a] 4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.


If you know of a child who is suffering from Spiritual Abuse as a result of Parental Alienation, there is help. 

You may contact Joshua Rose Foundation 
760-957-7027 Mon- Friday 8 am - 6 pm
Saturdays from 9 am- 3 pm
You may also send an email to them at JoshuaRoseFoundation@gmail.com

God bless you all and know you are in my prayers. 

Love in Christ always,
Akuas Keiki