Betrayal of the heart and my message to the Serpent

My Beloved,

I received some shocking news the other day. Actually, it was not truly that shocking, but merely confirmed what I already knew to be true in my heart. It has just hurt my heart on levels I am not sure the words will convey.

I was recently informed that my spouse who has lost his way thinks of me only as "caregiver" to "his" children and that he only married me to gain sole custody from his former spouse who had left the marriage after years of abuse and left the children behind when she went.

Some tell me it is only him being mean and spiteful. Satan wants to use those words to cause me to up and leave so the children will be left to chance. Some tell me it's because I am reflecting Christ's love and light so much that all his dark and ugly stuff cannot hide so he is casting negativity back on me.

I know that it is both. However, I also know this is not the first time these words have come out of his mouth, or the mouth of others who have known him for a long time. 

What does this mean?

Here is my letter to The Deceiver, and I will let you gather from it what you will:

(for those faint of heart or fragile in spirit- you may not want to read this as there is nothing but COMPLETE truth and honesty about the journey I have had so far to include things some may not be able to handle)

Dear Serpent, Father of Lies, Great Destroyer, Mighty Deceiver 

I am sure you are just tickled pink with the names I just presented before you to address you. However, let me rephrase that introductory before I get to the meat of this letter to you.

Dear Satan, Liar, Weakened servant of GOD, futile seeker of my heart, Enemy of my Beloved Father, 

Not so pleased now??? GOOD!! Neither am I. You see, Satan, you had me for 33 years of my life. You don't get to have victory over any part of it any more. I BELONG TO GOD!!! My children BELONG TO GOD.  MY LIFE BELONGS TO GOD. I can no longer be bought. 

You had me seduced by your lies for so very long. You had me entrapped in bitterness, anger, strife, depression, and guilt. Those things no longer plague me. I am SET FREE by the blood of my beloved Savior JESUS CHRIST.

Shall we take a walk down memory lane?

Your first attempt to gain my soul was that you gained victory in my earthly mother's bitterness towards my father after they divorced.

 You tried to use her to destroy my childhood by lying about my father and keeping him from me for ten years. Guess what- that didn't work out so well, did it? I have reunited and we continue to build upon our relationship. I also gained the relationship with an amazing woman of GOD in my life who I know loves me and prays for me- My Aunt P. This is a treasure you can never take away.

When I decided to not listen to her lies, she kicked me out at an early age, but you didn't realize I had an amazing Girl Scout Leader who was also a woman of GOD Although at the time, I didn't realize what I had before me. I certainly appreciate it now. She took me in when I had nowhere else to go. I graduated and got the heck out of dodge.

This did not take place of course, until your other tactics to try to gain my soul took place. You tried to use the mean and cruel words my earthly mother would say to me on a regular basis. The physical, mental, emotional, verbal and Spiritual child abuse I endured at her hands and of her spouse. When you saw that wasn't working, you got her to basically imply that the 4 years of childhood molestation was my fault. This caused me to be sexually promiscuous at the age of 14. I was sneaking out and having dangerous sex with men as much as 7 years older than me. It was fun and exciting and I felt at that time, I was putting a big brazen SCARLET letter on not only me, but my mother to pay her back for her not protecting me. She called me a whore and a harlot after my molestation, so I was sure to live up to that reputation.

Luckily, once again, a woman of GOD came to my rescue. She put a stop to my exposure to the pedophile. Granted, for a really long time, the words that my earthly mother spoke stuck in my spirit. It led to decisions later in my life.

GOD loves me. Do you know how I know? Simple- it could have been only GOD who was protecting me when those cruel words from my earthly mother affected me when I finally got to live with my father in Europe.

I took those words and made choices I am now not proud of, but I use that now to my Father’s glory to help young girls make good choices regarding their chastity and their worth. I am not proud that I slept with more men than I can count. Only GOD could have protected me in the situations I put myself in. GOD protected me in my first rape and allowed me to escape. You probably thought that he would have let me die since I wasn’t following him at that point. I blamed him for my rape, not recognizing that it was my choices that allowed that to transpire. I didn’t acknowledge that HE saved me from death. Yet I still chose to serve you and listen to your lies. I then decided men would be my “victims” to repay them for what ONE man did.

I came back after finding out the truth and cut out the poisonous weed that was and is my earthly mother from my Garden of Life. I was learning to be free and whole from her lies but I still didn’t truly know GOD nor have a relationship with him at that point. I was still lost and didn’t know him. You weren’t counting on HIS unconditional love for me would show through once again, were you?

I connected with the one man who would always have my heart through a mutual friend. He is a gentle and compassionate man who had a troubled past of his own, but we connected on the understanding of having horrible childhoods. He was in the military and on leave visiting my friend. It was love at first sight but neither one of us wanted to admit it. I still remember the first time I allowed him to kiss me. I finally felt safe at the touch of a man and he didn’t hurt me.

He was and will always be my best friend on earth. Although we were both young, naïve and foolish to think our relationship would last without counseling simply because we willed it to, it did not change the depth of our love and concern for each other. We promised that if it got to resemble anything close to what we saw in our parents, we would end the marital aspect of our relationship so as to save the friendship and keep any kids we had out of a nasty custody battle. We did what we thought we should yet while we were separated physically, our hearts were still connected to one another, and we didn’t count on your striking again.

My second rape was meant to destroy me but GOD, once again brought about a blessing. I now have a beautiful 13 year old daughter who I would not trade for anything in the world. Since date rape drug was used and I was uncertain of events that took place, I hadn’t said anything to my husband at the time as I felt I shouldn’t say anything about something I wasn’t sure happened. We worked through things and had the first divorce set aside while he was deployed to Bosnia. This must have made you very angry. We also got pregnant within 4 mos of him returning from that deployment with our son. This was also GOD’s hand. He was given the name of Joshua. Pretty amazing don’t you think? I know it must have frustrated you that we gave our son a biblical name. He has certainly lived up to it, for he has been a strong and courageous young man in his life already. He has been his sister’s protector but we will get to that later.

Military life being what it was, as much as we wanted things to work out between us and to end the cycle of divorce in our life, as well as not passing down that legacy to our children, We kept our promise.

Now of course, hindsight being twenty-twenty, we should have never allowed my mortal enemy on earth to care for our children one single day, but as things have transpired in both of our new marriages, it is GOD’s way of protecting them from further harm.  We have both recognized and admitted the truth within ourselves to each other that we both still care for one another greatly and our love for one another still exists. Due to circumstances as they are, we must protect ALL the children in this situation at all costs. There are those in our lives who we should be able to trust, but cannot due to lies, deceit and betrayal.

Satan, you thought you would gain victory in this, but it has only brought me closer to GOD. Yes, there are times when I am emotionally weak, and I may not remember scriptures due to memory loss from my car accidents, but that’s ok with me. This means I am like a child in that way and I get to discover GOD all over again, oftentimes like it’s the first time. My thirst and hunger for him continues to grow.

Fast forward to the current situation in my home, I know now that GOD brought me here in this marriage, at this time for the protection of ALL my children- the ones I gave birth to as well as the ones that have grown in my heart. Yes, there is emotional (mental and verbal, and financial abuse.) Yes, there is Spiritual Abuse.

For clarification, for those who may be reading this while I am addressing you, my enemy, Satan, as you are GOD’s enemy, I want to make sure those reading this are very clear on these definitions. They are provided at the bottom of the post.

Now Satan, you will not gain victory over me or the children in my daily care. Nor will you gain victory over my other children. I will continue to pray for them daily. I will continue to ask GOD to protect them while they are in the situations they are in.

I know that the recent changes taking place within my household for one of the children in my home is also another way that GOD is protecting that child. YOU WILL NOT GAIN VICTORY HERE!!!

I think it almost comical Satan, that the one tool you used to keep me in bondage to you, is the one thing GOD is using to keep me safe and my loved ones protected. You certainly didn’t count on that, did you?

You loved all those years when I was so adamant on rebelling that you used my stubborn nature and my pride keep me from GOD. Guess what?

My stubborn nature and my PRIDE in being GOD’s CHILD is what draws me nearer to him each and every day. You may do all you will to continue to keep my spouse in habitual sin and from being the Spiritual Leader in our home, but you WILL NOT gain victory over me or my girls. You WILL NOT get me to leave or forsake them the way their earthly parents have done.

I would have thought that you would have known that already. I didn’t believe my earthly mother’s lies about my dad. I rebelled against her lies and was abused for it. I was slapped, kicked, punched and medication withheld but I still held to the truth I knew in my heart.

I recognize that he has a sex addiction which includes the addiction to pornography. I also recognize that anyone who says they want to be rid of an addiction, they have to WANT to be FREE from it, not just say they want to stop doing it. He is not to that point.

I am, however, stubborn and strong willed and so angry at you, that I will do whatever is necessary to prevent my girls from any further disappointment. I will be here until they are on their own. I will be here until it is clear I can remove myself from this cycle of emotional and spiritual abuse and that they can protect themselves. This may place a bigger target on my back as you try to wear me down. I have news for you, GOD is my champion. JESUS CHRIST is my best friend. GOD continues to bring people in my life to uplift and encourage me, pray with me and for me and give me hope. He is my Jehovah-Jirah, my ultimate provider. He fulfills every need. I finally have “my pastor” who I know I can talk to about anything and be completely real and completely me, knowing he loves me for who GOD is helping me to become.

I am certain I have stirred up your anger and wrath, and I, with complete faith and trust in knowing who GOD is, say “Game on”. I am no longer weak but a warrior. I am no longer full of fear but courage. I do not have to hide in shame any longer, for I have been forgiven of my past and made new. NOTHING will hold me back any more from doing as GOD has called me to do. Satan, get UNDER MY FEET!!! By the blood of JESUS CHRIST, I am SAVED!!!

To those who have been brave enough to read this all the way through, I say congratulations to you and I thank you.

You are in my prayers and thoughts.

Love in Christ always,

Akuas Keiki

DEFINITIONS:

Emotional Abuse: Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. 

Financial Abuse: Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter); Stealing from you or taking your money.

Spiritual Abuse:   It is the result of a Spiritual Leader or system that tries to control, manipulate, or dominate a person. This control is often in the form of fear (source: http://www.spiritualabuse.org/introduction.html )

TACTICS of ABUSERS:

§  Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

§  Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

§  Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

§  Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

§  Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

§  Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.