When the tears won't stop

My beloved,

I must be forthright with you and we must have total and complete honesty with one another.  I am plagued with guilt over the fact that I may have represented that I have found peace and joy during my  trials in this season in my life. While God has given me HIS grace, which IS sufficient, the human nature of who I am, in the flesh is tired. I am tired of this season, I am tired of the emotional heartache and devastation and I am tired of looking my beautiful children in the eye and knowing I can't tell them everything that is truly on my heart and mind or it would crush them completely.

I have been told lately, especially in certain aspects of my journey, that I am an "Esther" for the two young adults who are being raised in my home without a Spiritual Leader. I have been told: "You are here for such a time as this". While I do recognize it and acknowledge it, I don't necessarily like it. I would give my life for them, even if it meant not seeing the rest of my beloved children ever again. I don't like that the lack of a Spiritual Leader, the habitual sin, and the loss of a relationship with Christ are the reasons my other children are not with me.

I cried the other day as I came to fully acknowledge and accept the fact that the person I thought I married is not who he represented he was at all. I fully acknowledged  that I am having the same problems with him that he has had in previous relationships, that he portrayed the fault were with those women.

I have fallen in love with "his" children and will do all I can for them while God has me in their lives and still try to maintain relationship with my own children who I miss so very much.I cried so much that I ran out of tears and wanted to cry but couldn't as I was completely drained of the physical ability to produce tears.

My soul is still crying. I married someone I thought was a Godly man. I married someone that I thought would give me the opportunity to finally have an amazing walk with God as an individual and with a spouse who I thought also desired the same thing. I am now realizing I am completely and undeniably unequally yoked. The man who walks through the door every day when he arrives home from work is not who I thought I married.

I have been yelled at, cussed at, cussed out, downgraded,  humiliated, and embarrassed in front of my children and the children I have come to love as my own. I have been insulted, rejected, cheated on, sexually harassed within the marriage. I have been treated like less than a lovable child of God and a cherished wife, but more like a possession or slave to be treated  however one sees fit.I have been mentally, emotionally, verbally and Spiritually abused.

I have been told that I am not fulfilling my roles within the marriage as God dictates, which then justifies the habitual sin issue in his eyes. I have medical reasons as to why I cannot physically perform certain aspects of married life and am constantly berated for it and attempts to make me feel guilty are done on a daily basis.

Any of you who are dealing with habitual sin issues within the home know how heartbreaking and exhausting it can be. When the person who is supposed to lift you up, encourage you, support you, and Love you as Christ loved the Church, treats you no better than they would a stranger on the street, it hurts to the core of who you thought you were as this person's spouse.

It is often similar I would imagine to those who have been abandoned by their parents: to be rejected, refused, ignored, neglected, emotionally malnourished, and Spiritually starved. I know how heartbroken the children in my home often get when they feel ignored, rejected, ridiculed,  yelled at, refused, humiliated and cursed at by the person who promised them they would always be there to protect them, yet that individual has caused them more harm than the person who physically abandoned them years ago.

It is days like this in which I could just leave all of it behind 9technology-phone, computer, television), take these precious blessings God has given me to protect with me, and go to an isolated cabin in the mountains for a bit of respite.To go someplace where we could just spend time with God and not be interrupted by the busy-ness of life. Away from all the noise and chaos and just crawl into our Heavenly Father's lap. What peace that thought brings.My soul is thirsty and in need of rejuvenation but it will not come anytime soon.

I am asking you, my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ, to please pray for me today. I am just totally spent on the exhaustion of this journey and not seeing any end in sight. Please know that I pray for each of you daily, that when you get to a point like this, that you may know that God loves you and he  is here for you and HIS grace is sufficient to get us through any storm we may be facing, we just have to trust him.

Love in Christ always,
Akuas Keiki